Changing the GiRL . . .

Okay first the good news. The 6 week body makeover really really works. I  lost 15 pounds in my first week. Now the bad news. I had a freak-out with a job situation and got off plan for 4 days and gained 10 of the 15 pounds back.

Basically it works, but I’m an idiot. I found myself getting more and more irritated as I prepared homemade spaghetti,  hamburger steak and a plethera of other yummy dishes for my husband twice a day and then had to sit there while he ate that and I had 2oz of baked chicken.

It’s completely not his fault. It’s my fault. I’m so mad at myself I could just scream. That’s it though. Payday is Friday and I am going through my house and getting rid of everything that is not on plan. I’m not going to feel guilty anymore about not cooking him a 3 course meal. He needs to lose weight too, and he also needs to understand that I’m 150 pounds overweight. That’s life-threatening. As is I’m already so emotionally wounded by it that I don’t want to leave my house or get up in the morning.

I finally found something that works and I have to stick with it. I never want to watch another  sitcom and hear “That would be a good size for you” .. um yeah . . .that’s like a size zero on the screen there buddy . . .nice try.

I’ve decided to try Michael Thurman’s Six Week Body Makeover. I ordered the kit a couple of years ago and never started because it was so much work, but I recently found it again and today is my first day on the plan. So far so good. I’m going to try and stay off the scale for at least a week and see how it goes.

Originally I was concerned because it cuts dairy completely out of my diet, but after speaking with a nutritionist and my doctor, I feel fine about it. It’s amazing how much advertisements get ingrained into our heads. Thanks you Dairy Council for making me believe milk is the best source of calcium out there, and if I don’t drink it I’ll get osteoporosis. According to the Dr. and the nutritionist it’s just not true. they said I’d be fine with a calcium supplement or good multivitamin and that they would be more readily absorbed into my body than the calcium in milk anyway. Hmm. Who new?

Also the program made the point that the purpose of milk is to make baby cows fat . . .and the purpose doesn’t change just because humans drink it. I never really thought about my skim milk making me fat, but when I looked at the label it was pretty heavy on calories, sugar and carbs. Anyway, i just thought it was interesting.

 I’ll let you know how it goes after the first week is done.:)

I went to a weight watchers meeting, and as I was leaving to go to my car, a bunch of teenagers in a car oinked at me right as I walked by their window. 

My husband recently purchased a really nice bike for me so that we can ride together. I’m so appreciative that he’s suppoorting me as we try to lose weight. We were loading it into our car in the parking lot after we bought it, and he was teaching me to take the wheels off. Some jerk drove by in a mini-van and yelled “Nice tits, baby!”, right in the middle of a shopping center parking lot. Needless to say I was really really embarassed.

 Then when we were riding today, and were heading home,  we passed a bunch of people hanging out on the sidewalk a few streets from our home. One guy rode up on a little kids bike and said “wanna race?” to which I politely said no thanks, and then another man said really loud. “You’re too big to be on that bike, “guhl”! ” and they all  laughed. WTFrick? Obviously, I’m on this bike because I’m trying to lose weight so leave me alone. And who wrote the law that says if you’re fat people can suddenly decide what you’re entitled to do?

It may be just a few morons out there, but it makes me really mad, and frankly kind of sad that it’s socially acceptable to treat people that way. And to top it all off, I’m out there trying to do something about being “too big” and people STILL have a problem with me.

It’s not like I’m wearing revealing clothing or anything. Excercise capri pants and a tank top or t-shirt with fitted sports bras underneath. I guess I could wear sweats but it’s still in the 90s at 5:30 in the evening here. The last two things happened when my husband was with me. At this point I won’t even walk the dog without him. There’s no telling what would happen if I was by myself. I’d probably pepper-spray some jerk.

All the crap that was wrong yesterday and the days before is still wrong, but I’m tired of being crabby so I’m giving the virtual “finger” to my unhappiness and moving on. After all you really can’t always get what you want.

I’ve been applying for a ton of jobs online, and in the classifieds, and I’m registered with 3 agencies. I still haven’t found a job. My dear husband, who always says the wrong thing at the wrong time, bless his heart, pointed out that it obviously isn’t working so I should try something new. “Oh really?” I thought, “and what do you suggest Mr. employment Guru?” He’s made it clear that he wants me to stop looking for that “great job” in my field, and get some job, any job.

So, today, I decided to give the free classifieds a try. I found a job ad for a receptionist, part-time for a used car dealership - one of those where you come by in person to fill out an application. So I took my resume and met with the manager, who seemed interested. I opened with “please don’t tell me I’m over-qualified, because seriously it’s to your benefit.” I then went on to explain that i  wnat a part time job. He gave me the impression that he was going to hire me just as soon as he gets the okay (they are opening a new store apparently). When he asked what my salary requirement were I just alaughed and said “Whatever, all my husband said was get a job.” He seemed to get a big kick out of that. . . .

Okay and the temp lady just called me and said she has a job for me but i have to get there by 1pm . . . fundraising .. Ick! but whatever . . here i come  . . . .

The scale reports that I’ve lost 2 pounds this week, but my weight generally fluctuates 2-5 pounds anyway so no big news there. I’m just glad it didn’t go up. Tomorrow is the first day of my new diet plan (Slim-Fast Optima) and I’m really excited. My husband and I flipped through my healthy cookbooks and found recipes that are healthy and budget friendly too. We shopped for all of the ingredients today and picked up my shakes. I’m really excited. I have a major sweet tooth and I’m also addicted to dairy, so I think this will be perfect. In addition I have to have something I can just grab. If I have to measure and plan more than one meal a day I just won’t do it. Hopefully this will go well. I’m counting on a big weight loss this week.

            I’m planning my meals and snacks for the week. The Slim-fast site has been down for weeks, so I’m not actually sure what I should do for my weight, but I decided to do my own thing. My sample day should go: Cappuccino Shake for breakfast, mid-morning snack, Chocolate Shake for lunch, afternoon snack, 500 calorie dinner (baked fish, seasonal squash & zucchini, small baked potato), and dessert, in addition to lots of water. All of that should fall somewhere in the range of 1200-1600 calories a day. I’ll track it all this week and see and then blog the results.

Actually it’s “good morning”, but whatever. Thank you so much for your support Buddies!! Your kind words mean more than you can know.

I threw my little sister a bachelorette party last night, and it was a great success. It was nice to have a break from my serious mood . . . and I awoke to find (sleeping girls everywhere *lol*), that the determination and motivation is still there. Wish me luck!

I’m in a bad place right now.  Fat, unhappy, and unemployed with a messy house; my life is an open wound. Now for the salt – for some reason I decided to “Google” some of the friends I’ve lost touch with since high school. I guess because after my dad’s death I really just don’t know who I am anymore. My world has been shaken. The person living this life is not really me, so I thought back to a time when I last knew who I was and started looking for the people who knew me then. I found three of them. One is working on her PhD. Is some form of molecular chemistry that I couldn’t understand the description of, one has a great job and is working on her masters after graduating with a ton of honors, and the other owns her own interior design agency. I was planning on e-mailing these women and trying to restart our friendships – but now I don’t feel worthy of their friendship. I know that they would never react that way – but they would all be like, “Oh my God, what happened to you?” I’m 130 pounds heavier than when they knew me. When they knew me I was an honor-roll student on the way to getting a full-ride to college. They would feel sorry for the person I am now. I’m completely ashamed of myself.

The thing is I don’t know what to do. I was kind of hoping that they would be a lifeline, like they were for me in high school – people that pushed me to be the best I could be. Right now I’m surrounded (sort of) by people who only know me as the failure I consider myself to be; and frankly I feel like they want to keep me that way. I know that if I can succeed in changing my life it will be in spite of them rather than because they spurred me on to victory. All of this excess weight is just the physical manifestation of my mistakes. I’ve ruined my life just like I’ve ruined my body. I want so much to reach within myself and pull the real me out – someone I can be proud of – but I feel so alone. I’m frightened of the rock hard resolve that is slowly building in my soul. I can feel it getting stronger every day – it’s the resolve to change my life, to build something better and to shed this weight of fat and shame. It scares me, it really does. I’m afraid that once I step onto the path that I’m racing toward that nothing will stand in my way – and that may mean that I lose some relationships. I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me. He is one of the ones that doesn’t want me to change – I begin to wonder if he really knows who the real me is. I know he’s caught glimpses and I think it intimidated him a little.  The thought of anything coming between us tears at my heart – but I know myself, and I know that I can’t live this way. I’ve come to the crossroads. I just hope we’re together at the end.

I was almost to the point of being motivated a few days ago when the “curse” stuck. I think one reason it’s so bad is because I am overweight, but even with pain medicine I was quarantined to the bed for 2 days. Seriously – I get nauseous, achy, have cramps straight from Hades . . .but the worse part is the fatigue. I literally feel like I can’t lift my head.  I’m feeling better now, but just thought I’d log on to complain anyway.

As each day passes I get increasingly irritated at myself and my situation. I quit my job back in January thinking I would be able to spend time with my dad while he recovered and take time to find a job I really loved. That didn’t really work out. Number one, he didn’t recover (see previous blog), and number two – I can’t find a job, I must have applied for 100 jobs and nothing. I’ve been praying desperately for the right job, and praying that God will only let me be offered the job he wants me to have. (Mainly b/c I’m too dumb to figure out what He’s telling me to do if I have to choose J) I’m still keeping the faith, but we’re out of money and I feel like such a burden to my sweet husband.

 This week I am supposed to hear about my dream job. It’s for a marketing position with a university. I feel like this is the one. Everything has worked out for me to have this job. I applied back in February. Interestingly my best friend happened to mention it to me on the last day they were accepting applications. I got in just under the wire. They were supposed to interview me on May the 5^th, and for some reason they called in the middle of April and rescheduled to May the 8^th. I was irritated at the time – but then my father died  - his visitation was May 5^th and his funeral was May 6^th. There’s no way I could have made it. THEN, when I decided to go through with the interview my mom gave me some nerve pills to calm me down for the interview. (I get really, really nervous normally – so as you can imagine with everything else too, I was a basket-case). Well, the morning of the interview the pills disappeared. I mean no where to be found – I turned my purse and suitcase inside out.  So on the way there I was like “Okay God, I get it. If I get this job it will be all You and You want to make sure I get that. Right?  Just please don’t “God” it all up to the point where I collapse in here or something and it’s a downright miracle if I get the job.” Anyway, I was fine in the interview, I think. Of course when I got home and opened my suitcase what did I find? - bag of nerve pills pretty as you please right on top of my clothes. So this is the week they are supposed to make a decision and I’m terrified that I won’t get the job. I’m afraid I’ll be so let down that I’ll just melt into a puddle of sad swirlly pink and blue goo. (Why pink and blue? I have no idea. Why goo? Just seems appropriate)

So I’m hanging on here - playing the waiting game. Please God, please let this be the one!!

Hello Friends,

I’m sorry I just abandoned ship a few months ago - I’ve been thinking about you guys a lot, but so much has happened since then.

Most of you, who’ve read my blog, know that my dad was in a really really bad motorcycle accident right before Thanksgiving, and was fighting for his life in intensive care up until my last post. I know he gave it his all, but  he lost the fight. My dad passed away on May 2. I was holding his hand when he flatlined - and I can honestly tell you that watching him slip away is the worst thing I’ve ever had to do. - and I hope to God I never have to do anything like it again.

My dad had COPD, which was a major contibutor to his death. After standing by for 6 months watching my family go through this, and watching dad suffer I know I owe it to myself, my friends and my family to be as healthy as I can be. I don’t want to die of something that a healthy person could have survived. During his hopital stay,  I started wondering  “what I’m waiting for? Why am I wasting my life doing nothing? “. I look back now and think I had 6 months that he didn’t have. 6 months where he would have appreciated just one day outside, one day to go to work, one day to hell, stand up or get out of bed . . .and what did I accomplish? what did I do whith that time? Nothing really - and that has to stop. I know it’s cheesy but I totally embrace that line from the Shawshank redemption where Andy says “Get busy living or get busy dying.”

I choose life.

 . . .a “grey ghost”if you will.  Her name is Luna, and she’s 10 weeks old. She is silver with blue eyes, and I’ve never been so tired in my life. My husband caved, and let me get a puppy. Luna is a Weimaraner, and when we picked her out she was deceptively lazy. In fact the whole first day she just lounged around an slept.  Yeah . . .that was an act . . .We’re potty training so yesterday morning we got up and went outside at 12am, 4:30am, and 6:30am . . .and then played for 3 hours, and then a short nap for her, and then played in the yard all afternoon . . I fell into bed last night at 10pm feeling like I’d been hit by a truck.  This morning we were up at 1:40am and now we’ve been up since 5:30.

I didn’t realize how out of shape I am . . .seriously I feel like I’m in boot camp and she’s my drill seargent. The more I read and talk to people the more I get the picture that this is just the beginning . . .she’s going to need excercise and lots of it . . .and she’s not going to do it by herself .. .I have to do it with her . . .This morning as I lay there in the early moring light  , with my husband (who never wakes up when she whines) snoring away on oneside, and a concerned grey face looking up at me from the floor, I began to wonder if we’d bitten off more than we can chew with this breed.

I think she may be just what i need though. even if I won’t get up for myself, I somehow manage to wake up and do it for her. Maternal instinct? Maybe . . . anyway, my 30lb baby is starting to pull things out of the closet to chew so I better go . . love ya’ll - Jenn